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Beverage Baseball is a trademark of VHU, and now a copyrighted title, game, and all-around-good-time-sport. We won't sue you to play it, because really, it's the most awesome game ever. But if you make a webpage like this, or say you invented it, our lawyers will use their cricket bats on you. Oh, and their legal skills with shiny letterhead.

Beverage Baseball

Origins | How to Play | Pictures

Ah, the great American past-time... Wait, you've never heard of Beverage Baseball? Well, then, good friend, let us tell the tale.

The Origins of Beverage Baseball
by Larry C.

Long ago, in a land of ice and gophers, there lived two roommates in a dormitory on a campus in the Twin City known as “Minneapolis.” The year was 1997, the campus was of the University of Minnesota, and the dorm was that of the freshman student. In the lowest levels of this dorm could be found a long, featureless, underground tunnel that led to the next dorm and most importantly, the food services cafeteria.

In the busy life of a freshman college student, there isn’t always time to eat during normal serving hours (what with classes and studying, exploration of inexpensive but palatable alcohol, discovering broadband internet and the wide world of information and pornography). In response, the food services in the serving area under the dorm next to the freshman dorm at the end of a long tunnel had the option of a “bag lunch.”

The contents of the “bag lunch” are not relevant to our tale. But along with the “bag lunch,” a student could choose one of several beverage options, all Coke™ products. Alas, in typical university style, the stock was replenished on only rare occasions. Within a week of restocking, “popular” choices such as Cherry Coke™ and the mind-altering Surge™ were rendered extinct, leaving naught but less preferable options for the next hapless student.

When faced with this daunting, Faustian conundrum, most would simply grab anything left that might be drinkable. But invariably, a better beverage would be available at lunchtime and the original drink remained undrunk. So it came to be that in February of 1997, my dorm room decoration included a tower from floor to ceiling built almost entirely out of Lemon Flavored Fresca™. The occasional Tab™ could be seen included for color.

Among the timeless philosophical debates that have plagued mankind since the earliest days of having philosophical debates, never before had such a momentous conversation taken place:

“What the hell do we do with 94 cans of Fresca?!”
“I have a 6D-cell Maglite™.”
“Let’s go outside.”

Thus was born: Beverage Baseball™

How to Play

The Rules of Beverage Baseball:

When not at bat, all participants shall be “shaking the Fresca.” This is to agitate the Frescites who live inside the can and make them angry enough to explode when signaled by an oncoming club.
We use Lemon Fresca™ because:

Low/no sugar content à everything doesn’t get sticky
Ample carbonation for a nice “pop”
Resultant cloud of aerated Fresca™ is lemony fresh

When it is your turn at bat, you may choose your pitcher. No one can choose for you, and you may ask whoever you want.
If you are asked to be a pitcher for someone, you have the option to ask to opt out. However doing so is a Beverage Baseball faux pas, and it’s not really in the spirit of the thing.
When pitching, the pitcher will verbally confirm that the batter is ready. S/He will call out an audible count to three in tune with an underhand swing and upon the fourth beat, throw the can. (e.g., “One…Two…Three…<Throw>”)
Only underhand pitches are allowed. Trust us on this one…
Batters must maintain grip on the bat. Don’t let go. It’s a bad idea.
There is no limit to how many swings a batter may take. If S/He misses, he will return the can to the pitcher for another try. This may continue until the can is kinetically dispatched or the GameGuide calls out “Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!” This is the signal for the batter to kill the can on the ground, preferably with extreme prejudice.
The GameGuide is simply the person facilitating the game. Most often, this is a de facto position unknowingly filled by someone who likes to hear their own voice. Their job is to ensure that everyone gets equal turns and sufficient opportunity to attempt Frescacide. If the batter proves to have no hand-eye coordination or depth perception, the GameGuide will give them enough chances to try before declaring that they “Kill it on the ground!”
After successfully dismembering their projectile victim, the batter will “collect the dead,” picking up the shattered aluminum and adding it to the pile.
The game concludes when no Fresca™ remains.

There is no score. There are no teams. There is only the fizz and the bat and the lemon and the mist. Huzzah.

* Note on usage of Fresca: We have used several kinds of Fresca before, and all have worked rather well. The point of the Fresca is, as mentioned above, it isn't sticky and washes out well.

Pictures

*Note: Only VHU people are pictured, because I haven't asked others if it's okay to post their pictures yet. If you have played, and are okay with your pic up, tell me!

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